and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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