Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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