No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
