I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
