Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
