tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
