She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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