Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
