It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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