i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
we're making bets on your personal life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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