Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
