I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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