What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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