i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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