I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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