He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
