Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
