I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
