just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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