I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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