there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
