Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
