I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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