Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
