Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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