what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
FUCK WHALES
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
