Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
