you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
