The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm bleeding and have questions
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
