When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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