I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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