I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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