I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
