How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
