Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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