Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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