Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
