I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
