Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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