i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
