i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
