if you like me you must not know who I am
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Never joke about your clitoris.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
