kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
