Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
