She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
