I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Who died my cat blue again?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
