when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
