After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
