I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
