david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
