We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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