I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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