If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
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I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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