Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
