I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
