my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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