Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
There are leaves in my underwear?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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